Yesterday I was sitting in the back of a bus with my friend and made a joke about lizards. A woman in front of us turned around and said, “Lizards have feelings too. I can’t believe you’re so insensitive!” Well… Turns out this woman has a blog and she posted a picture of me and my friend and wrote an article about us called HATE CRIMES AGAINST ANIMALS. Now I have an angry mob writing negative things about me online. Today my boss called me into his office and fired me over the incident. And my friend won’t speak to me anymore because his mother owns an iguana and she saw his picture associated with the lizard joke. This is a nightmare. How can I get my life back?




Society is a cruel paradox in which ridicule becomes a relevant evil, much like the ebb and flow of the tide. And unfortunately for you, you are caught up in one of those relativistic witch-hunts. The irony of course, is that your simple joke did no harm, while the words of your aggressors make for a destructive force.

It is no secret that the lizard you made fun of lacks any notion of mankind’s “comedy”. In fact, all of the animal kingdom’s members go about their day without the slightest concern for our word-play and other silly human habits. However, this woman has taken it upon herself to torment you. It is her unseen prerogative to make your life hell for the sake of “victims” who do not care. She is the archetypical casualty that oft plagues our modern world; namely, she is an individual who lacks self-observation and must project some make-believe justice, or “feel” for things that cannot or should not feel.


It has already stolen your job and perhaps a friend or two. Do not let it have more, or it will continue to feed!

First you ought to disable your social media accounts. These websites are easy avenues that allow the Lizard Witch’s followers to brood and plot your doom. It is online where the cult of the Lizard Witch gather, and it is online where they will most comfortably strike. Deprive them of this easy luxury. Deny them your personal details and any acknowledgement.

With your online infamy muted, you ought continue with your life. Certainly the fanaticism that grips these harassers is few and far between. You should be able to find a new job or even a support group to combat these naysayers. If you must, — and at your own discretion, — levy some charges against your attackers. They have caused you undue stress and financial hardship. They continue to stalk and harass you. And by the book of the law, these charges hold a higher precedence over reptilian quips!

But you may also ask: “How do I prevent this situation from arising in the future?” My advice to you: live the life you want. Crazy folks will come and go, but should not bar you from your individualism. There will be many close friends near and they will support you in these trying times. And no matter how you tip-toe, you will always crush a few eggshells.

Sincerely yours, Lord Lamington 


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